Monday, June 27, 2011

Letter To My MP

The Writer,
P.O Box, 12345-00100,
Nairobi, Kenya
January 5, 2005

Dear MP,

Words cannot begin to explain how sorry I am for all that I have put you through for the past few years. I have thought long and hard about what happened and I realized how infuriated you must have been. First I started by taking your rightful title “Mheshimiwa’ from you which was accorded to you by birth right. Before your recovery from that, I demanded that we trade in you luxurious Mercedes Benz for a Volkswagen Passat. What was I thinking?? How could I subject you to the embarrassment of being down-graded you from a 5million vehicle to a poor man’s automobile that costs about 3million??

To add salt to injury, am now demanding that you pay taxes…am so sorry for this. It had escaped me that you still have a loan to pay – the one you took to build that mansion in Runda. Am told it has 8 bathrooms - all self contained. Am also told that if I continue demanding for tax from you, you’ll have to do away with the jacuzzi, gazebo, and swimming pool you were planning to add to your estate….a million apologies for that.

Before I forget, how are Mike and Michel doing??? Sources say that London is a lovely place to be, and not so cold around this time of the year. Is it true that you are now thinking of taking them to USA or Canada because education is cheaper there as compared to the Queen’s land? Am so sorry for failing to realize you have kids to educate and they need the best education money can buy. No parent who has kids to feed and educate should be subjected to the backbreaking imposition of paying taxes.

I also apologize for ruining Mrs. Mheshimiwa’s plans to go to London to do her hair and laundry. I forgot how the water in our taps are dirty and  most probably will ruin those  Christian Dior, Alexander McQueen, Mark Jacobs gowns she has. Wonder how I forgot that even Wanjiku is forced to take her clothes to either South Africa, or Seychelles to have them cleaned since we have no professional dry cleaners in our country and she cannot clean them herself.

Times are hard and a man got to do what a man got to do. From now henceforth, I’ll start minding my Ps and Qs – no interference in your hustle.
  • Our country has vast land resource and you are allowed to grab them and develop them. There is no point of reallocating the IDPs in some of these areas, or giving it to the squatters and issuing them with title deeds.
  • The  molasses plant, nothing was really coming out of that…the government was not taking care of it and you decided it’d be more profitable were it a private company. Thank god you took it.
  • As for the maize, no need to wait till that point it gets contaminated with aflatoxin. Better eat it as early as possible, right?
  • Our schools keep producing empty debes year after year. What’s the point of funding these institutions??? The money is better spent expanding your business empire, I’d say.
I am really sorry for creating the situation which I know I should have handled better. I admit that I am in the wrong by demanding you pay taxes, reducing some of your powers and can only say how sorry I am. I can promise you that this will never happen again and hope that you will give me the opportunity to elect you again in 2012 so as to prove this to you.

I understand that it might be difficult for you to accept my apology but hope that this letter will help. I will call you later this week to apologize in person(hoping your number will not be Mteja) and hope that you will be able to give me another chance.

Yours Sincerely
The Writer

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